jellybeanscatnip:

is it bad that I want to be your friend? 

I know it’s bad that I want to fuck you. 

But it is it so bad when we use to make love? 

what is everything about anyway. 

I know you don’t care but here you are 

is it bad I want to hear from you again? 

I know it’s bad 

but can I still call you a friend? 

you use to be my family 

and we had a bad end 

but what happens when you never stop loving someone 

you can’t be with in the end? 

can I ever truly love again? 

is it so bad to love a friend? 

can I hate to love you any more and still lowkey want to fuck my friend? 

I can’t tell you the honest truth cause this is something I’ve never been through 

but you are my first and I don’t want to lose every piece of me I gave you 

if you just loved me as a friend would it be enough 

if I just loved you as a friend would it be enough to get though? 

is it bad that I want to be your friend? 

I know it’s bad that I want to fuck you. 

But it is it so bad when we use to make love? 

what is everything about anyway. 

I know you don’t care but here you are 

is it bad I want to hear from you again? 

I know it’s bad 

but can I still call you a friend? 

you use to be my family 

and we had a bad end 

but what happens when you never stop loving someone 

you can’t be with in the end? 

can I ever truly love again? 

is it so bad to love a friend? 

can I hate to love you any more and still lowkey want to fuck my friend? 

I can’t tell you the honest truth cause this is something I’ve never been through 

but you are my first and I don’t want to lose every piece of me I gave you 

if you just loved me as a friend would it be enough 

if I just loved you as a friend would it be enough to get though? 

s’all good babybaby lots of other good content on here that’s why I had three blogs in the first place- 

but I still got two tumblr 

best not banish my bipolar page cause I’ll leave 

don’t make me leave tumblr lmaoooo 

you kept screaming 

and I understood that much, I expected it actually, 

I even expected you to hit me. 

I knew what was going to happen 

but what I didn’t  know 

was what you were trying to do that night 

and I still don’t have answers 

firstly I wanna know why you acted that way 

when you were sending taylor videos and pictures of my animals 

and hanging out with her and liking her pictures, 

why you acted that way 

when I slept with someone else. 

secondly, I wanna know why you had to always react that way 

about everything 

and thirdly, that night 

the horrible night, the last night we were to ever spend together 

or see eachother or speak again, 

the night the police removed you, and abused you 

but never took you to the hospital for help 

never really helped me or anything at all actually… 

from ‘our’ apartment, 

that night 

you were screaming, like usual 

but you kept grabbing and pulling my pants down 

I bagged you to stop 

Thirdly, were you trying to rape me that night 

you kept saying “let me see” “just let me” 

and you kept pulling down my pants 

I was so scared 

did you try and rape me 

what were you trying to do… 

would you really do that? I knew you were abusive 

I knew. But would you really rape me? Did you really think 

that would make you feel better? 

one last question, that night did you show me who you really where? Did I spend all those years with someone I never even really knew? 

You changed me. But I changed me for the better. 

You scared me, you scared me everyday 

I just wanted the pain to stop, 

I don’t know or understand why I loved you, or why 

I think in strange ways I will always love you 

I hope you don’t hurt anyone ever again 

I hope you don’t hurt anymore. 

I never talked about that part of the night with anyone before 

but it’s been replaying in my mind before I fall asleep at night 

for months 

I was so scared, you were going to do the only thing 

you haven’t done to me yet 

and I hope you never do that to anyone else again 

when someone tells you to stop and they say no 

and they scream for help 

you need to listen 

that night you pulled my pants down and I don’t know what you wanted to see 

I don’t know why or what you were looking for 

I didn’t know if I was going to leave the room alive 

in all honesty 

that night was a nightmare that I live through and I always will live through 

I want to hold you and kiss you and I feel like I need you all over again - why did you unblock mee… you should have never unblocked me. 

I think I still love you 

I wish I didn’t 

but I think I always will